The little chap arrived three weeks and four days early.
He arrived FAST!
He was traumatised by such a fast birth, had low glucose levels ( no energy), was not breathing and had no sucking reflex.
His mother, my daughter was traumatised. They whisked him away and she was not 'bonded' to the little addition. She 'paid' for that for over a month.
We got there ( 1300klms away) three days after he was born.
I walked into the hosptial room held my daughter tight, then turned and picked up a tiny baby crying in his bassinette.
I was gone.
My whole being, my whole stomach, my whole heart turned over in desparation upon touching this little new body.
From then on being so far from home, in someone elses house, with a new dynamic I was lost.
No-one, no-one ever told me this was how 'grandparent-hood' was going to be.
It was tense, stressful, stress filled and tight.
I was at once out of my depth and as well as being right in there where it felt right.
But I was not right.
She/they did not ask anything of me. I watched and waited and waited and watched, gritting my teeth, holding my breath, staring with a sense of a long wait for them to turn and say;
We have never done this before; We do not know what we are doing: I, the new mother needs you to steer this little new ship toward independence of care: I, the new father had never held a baby before let alone a newborn and I am scared.
They did not.
I waited and my man cooked and wiped the benches, I cleaned the bathroom and put on the washing; waiting waiting waiting for all our experience, our knowledge, our love to be called upon.
I read the 'latest' books on breast feeding, care, growth and information on 'precipitous childbirth' and brushed up on my knowledge.
I waited.
I became anxious and fractious. I argued once or twice with the new father over something silly; ( the door should be closed, it is winter and there is a slight breeze coming in when baby is being changed;. he is tiny, thin, new...he needs warmth)
The new father ( a good man) is a professional..works with facts, figures and definites. He cannot be told anything! He has to learn surruptitiously...like HE has thought of everything possible and HE has come to the RIGHT answer.
I back off.
I then am asked to apologise.
This breaks my spirit.
Of course I apologise, but it costs....ME.
I finally (after a week or so) sit down with my daughter and say;
I need to tell you; "I am an elder of the tribe. Without the older women to teach the younger women babies would die. I shall tell you what I think about the little one, but will not say anything about the two parents.If i see something that may not be right for bub, I will speak up. Otherwise I will shut up"
She said; Ok.
Two weeks later we leave and drive the three day drive back home.
Now I am anxious. I am traumatised by the rip in the fabric of my heart. I was bonded, I fell deeply in love...I have heard others say this is so...but NO ONE ever said that there is this disconnect, the unspoken line, this fragile relationship, new between your child and you. The border of overstepping the mark and crashing to oblivion never to see or hear again because you are soooo far away.
I am going to counselling..if the govt grants me permission.
I am anxious and teary.
I am afraid and it is too complex to explain.
So I am writing to my blog.
Coz I need to say it all, over and over and over.
I tried again today to 'help' online with a crying non sleeping baby. I heard his cries over the phone.....it made my stomach ache and made me cry.
I walked the God-ess in hope that that would release the anxiety. It did a little. I have to stop this...
And it is only one of many of my anxieties...my life is exhausting.
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