You've got to be taught...after all this time

After blogging for years I have finally found the scene, music and intent of one blog I did under; the Frog's persona.
Here it is...

Made my life change from my upbringing...

and now it is 2012 and it STILL is a problem.

Freedom to say.....

What the fuck is this?
Some arm, some part of St Francis Xavier is 'touring' Australia.
Come on people..this is 2012...stop being so freaking stupid.
Time to rationalise, time to think, time to know what the reality is, time to take into our psychy the fact that We are responsible for the fate of the world.

Surely the shit about that stupid little man who made a badly produced, acted, directed anti ..whatever movie in America is time for us to realise believing in an imaginery friend is nothing short of dangerous.

Enough.

I am getting impatient as I get older.
Impatient with stupidity.

Dangerous ignorant, pathetic, bigotted, sad, annoying, tiresome, exclusive, warmongering, religious, fuckwit stupidity!!!

Come on!

Let's take our intelligence to the highest level and celebrate our knowledge our love our being.

We are all here to share, to love, to be.

Come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just because..it made me laugh

Here We Go Again

So, here we go again, singing that old time song again....
It has been an interesting week, full of travelling along the awful, abortion of a road that will be claimed by BOTH State Governments as their idea and their success whilst the rest of us groan under its wrongness. By-passes may seem undemocratic, or un-capitalistic, or un-involved with community or some-darn-thing...but when it comes to local traffic the death of ONE ten month old is a bridge too far.

So we are not to get our 'by-pass' ( and it being discussed since, to my own personal knowledge, 1965) even though this has been a rusted on National Party seat since...well ....since it was formed in some part of the previous century. Stupid stupid stupid to hang on to ONE political party for ...ever, no matter which side...coz they really really do take us, the voter, for granted.

So here we go again, buzzing along in the second hand car again. ( Well actually it is probably third hand, but whose counting).
And there sitting in the South somewhere is a sibling who thinks a disabled person owning two TWO (2) cars is just not on....'Get rid of one' he says, like he has had some kind of say in my financial, or practical, or supportive life over the past some sixty years. STFU is my first and honest reaction. I don't say that of course; I say; Yeah we are thinking about it ...might give it to our daughter..after all she has our father's old car...how old is that? Um....25 years old. ( Not saying; you ever helped her, or me, or us, or anyone in the family apart from your kids??then STFU).

So here we go again.
Hydro therapy finished but we are still full on driving the 40 mins to the local centre to dentists, physio, GP and pharmacy...and tomorrow , for me, counselling.

So here we go again, singing again from the counselling song sheet.
Why?
Because I loved , fell in love with, my first grandchild....and it has made me anxious, depressed and to have feelings of total uselessness and disrespect.

So off we go again.
And HWMBO (He Who Must Be Obeyed) is checked, double checked and tested for 'pernicious aneamia'...so GP says to me; You need to have a break. I say; But I love being with HWMBO and he said; NO, I mean a break for illness, your man's illnesses....

How did he know.
So;
Here we go again....and I am gathering my loins, my internal organs and my heart fot the next demands.

Bits and Pieces

I am now fifty nine. My last year in my fifties.

My son is still in South Korea.

My daughter is still in Sydney but now the Assistant Director of "Casula Powerhouse Arts Centre" in Liverpool, NSW but still involved in new Australian theatre projects the latest being 'A View From Moving Windows'.

My baby girl is in Melbourne, Married and now the mother of my first grandchild.

And we are still here.

I do some ironing now and again for a few pennies and my dog is still keeping me centred.

My man has been to hell and back AGAIN and he is on a new treadmill of worry which we shall face.

And I am still sick of those who would 'Pollyanna' me to death.
I am still heading off for counselling and instead of being told to 'snap out of it' or 'others have it harder than you' or 'be grateful for what you have' or blah-bullshit-blah..I am told most people have two major incidences in their lives to deal with. I have had at least SIX. This puts me into the realm of 'PTSD'. So all that 'get on with it' and 'move on' actually damaged me further.

Getting validation is an amazing gift. It frees you to think differently about how things have been going for you.
Getting validation means someone recognises what my life has been and says; that is pure shit, and then begins the skills to deal with it.

So here I am still with my man, still hanging in there even when it all seems so difficult and extremely unfair. It is usually those whose 'plans' in life have panned out and generally have gone in the direction of their control who tell those whose haven't, 'god doesn't give that which you can't deal with'...etc...well I can tell you; there is NO god and if there was he is a right bastard.

And so I move on because of the work I do and because I want to get through this.

Casula Powerhouse Arts Centre
A View From Moving Windows

Equality

So our 'democratic' Parliament voted NO to Marriage Equality.
This was NOT democracy in action.
This was political expediency at best, and hypocrisy at worst.

Our representatives were asked to go back to their electorates and find out what the majority wanted them to do.
The majority ( 60% of all Australians) want Marriage equality for our Gay brothers and sisters.

Marriage Equality is one of the last bastions of freedom for a mature, caring and democratic nation and what does our (atheist) Prime Minister do? What does our (staunch Catholic) Leader of the Opposition do? They hypocritically refuse to accept that Marriage Equality has to do with human rights and less to do with religion or politics.

It makes me sick and angry and disgusted. That a Prime Minister, a women ( who should know better about inequality), an atheist ( who should know better about inequality), and unmarried ( who should know better about inequality) who lives in the "Lodge" of the Prime Ministership with her partner, Tim ( paid for by the tax payers) and who has no children (should know better).

It makes me sick and angry and disgusted that the Leader of the Opposition, a Catholic ( who should know about inequality and the dangers of past experiences within his church of inequal status....), a male ( who may never know the feeling of inequality), who is married with a wife and children ( should know better the importance of recognition of committment within ones loving life), and is a brother ( who should know better since his own sibling is gay) decided against allowing his party members who represent the Australian people, decided against giving them a 'conscience vote'. Knowing that many of them are FOR marriage equality he refused and they refused to stand up ethically and be counted with those who believe the law should include those who love and want committed relationships to be overtly noted in our Society.

And our own PM saying she did not believe in Marriage Equality after she can CHOOSE to marry or not ( she has chosen NOT to) but refuses the right to a section of our community simply because they are GAY.

She is wrong.
He is wrong.
They are wrong.

Our minister for Finance and Deregulation is a gay women and her and her partner have just had a baby together. What does that say about our PM and what does she say to Penny? How can there be mutual respect?

This is so fucked up.
This is so pathetically obviously that it has nothing to do with legal matters, our society, what the Australian people want but is purely a politcal decision/vote based on fear of the bloody Imaginery Friend beleivers.
This is fucked up.

Grandmother/Nana

I am a grandmother.
The little chap arrived three weeks and four days early.
He arrived FAST!
He was traumatised by such a fast birth, had low glucose levels ( no energy), was not breathing and had no sucking reflex.

His mother, my daughter was traumatised. They whisked him away and she was not 'bonded' to the little addition. She 'paid' for that for over a month.

We got there ( 1300klms away) three days after he was born.
I walked into the hosptial room held my daughter tight, then turned and picked up a tiny baby crying in his bassinette.
I was gone.

My whole being, my whole stomach, my whole heart turned over in desparation upon touching this little new body.

From then on being so far from home, in someone elses house, with a new dynamic I was lost.
No-one, no-one ever told me this was how 'grandparent-hood' was going to be.

It was tense, stressful, stress filled and tight.

I was at once out of my depth and as well as being right in there where it felt right.

But I was not right.

She/they did not ask anything of me. I watched and waited and waited and watched, gritting my teeth, holding my breath, staring with a sense of a long wait for them to turn and say;
We have never done this before; We do not know what we are doing: I, the new mother needs you to steer this little new ship toward independence of care: I, the new father had never held a baby before let alone a newborn and I am scared.

They did not.

I waited and my man cooked and wiped the benches, I cleaned the bathroom and put on the washing; waiting waiting waiting for all our experience, our knowledge, our love to be called upon.
I read the 'latest' books on breast feeding, care, growth and information on 'precipitous childbirth' and brushed up on my knowledge.
I waited.
I became anxious and fractious. I argued once or twice with the new father over something silly; ( the door should be closed, it is winter and there is a slight breeze coming in when baby is being changed;. he is tiny, thin, new...he needs warmth)
The new father ( a good man) is a professional..works with facts, figures and definites. He cannot be told anything! He has to learn surruptitiously...like HE has thought of everything possible and HE has come to the RIGHT answer.

I back off.
I then am asked to apologise.
This breaks my spirit.
Of course I apologise, but it costs....ME.

I finally (after a week or so) sit down with my daughter and say;
I need to tell you; "I am an elder of the tribe. Without the older women to teach the younger women babies would die. I shall tell you what I think about the little one, but will not say anything about the two parents.If i see something that may not be right for bub, I will speak up. Otherwise I will shut up"
She said; Ok.

Two weeks later we leave and drive the three day drive back home.

Now I am anxious. I am traumatised by the rip in the fabric of my heart. I was bonded, I fell deeply in love...I have heard others say this is so...but NO ONE ever said that there is this disconnect, the unspoken line, this fragile relationship, new between your child and you. The border of overstepping the mark and crashing to oblivion never to see or hear again because you are soooo far away.

I am going to counselling..if the govt grants me permission.

I am anxious and teary.

I am afraid and it is too complex to explain.

So I am writing to my blog.

Coz I need to say it all, over and over and over.
I tried again today to 'help' online with a crying non sleeping baby. I heard his cries over the phone.....it made my stomach ache and made me cry.
I walked the God-ess in hope that that would release the anxiety. It did a little. I have to stop this...

And it is only one of many of my anxieties...my life is exhausting.