You Wouldn't Believe It!!

I want to thank the producer of this website for the information.
I have included the link so that the convener will get correct billing.

You wouldn't believe it, but I would say 98% of what is written here is my mother in law.
Gee I wish I had known ...oh about 35 years ago...might have saved me many years of angst, trying, pain, crushed beliefs, dedication and love that was pissed up against a wall.

Having now been in counselling for a couple of months, my counseller and my GP have both told me to stay away from my mother in law. She is toxic to me.
Well according to this link she is toxic to EVERYONE.

I was told by a psychologist about 6 years ago that my mother in law as a sociopathic/psychotic.
I knew a little of what that meant after having it explained to me, I then did some research online and came up with "Somatoform Disorder/ Conversion Disorder". I told her GP.
He said, did nothing.
Now I know why.

Finally four months ago a specialist spoke with us, the family, and declared "Conversion disorder" for this, the 26 'stroke' of my mother in law.

We knew but no doctor, GP, specialist, psychologist had ever revealed this to us, in 37 years.

It was gradually revealed to us by her sisters that 'this' had been occurring since she was at least 13.

Now we know and now I am sad to realise there is notthing I can do.

The man got a phone call of abuse..screaming, crying and finally hanging up upon.
Then four weeks later a phone call of 'sorry;' not for what she said about me or how she affected him, just that he refused to play her game and did not contact her. THAT is what she was sorry about.

Now we know. She did not mean the sorry at all...

She has just set up another 'take'....she is defrauding the home help.
She has defrauded insurance, grew and sold drugs and has many instances of wanting to sue people and companies.


For money.

So I have added the whole site to this blog to expose, explain and recognise the full extent of my mother in laws personality and problem.

It was NEVER mine. It is not helpful in knowing that ..for as the site says...by that time you are so battered by the manipulation that you are scarred.











Profile of the Sociopath


This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.







Glibness and Superficial Charm





Manipulative and Conning

They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.





Grandiose Sense of Self

Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."





Pathological Lying

Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.





Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt

A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.





Shallow Emotions

When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.





Incapacity for Love





Need for Stimulation

Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.





Callousness/Lack of Empathy

Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.





Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature

Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.





Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency

Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.





Irresponsibility/Unreliability

Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.





Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity

Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.





Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle

Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.





Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility

Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.



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Other Related Qualities:



Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them

Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them

Authoritarian

Secretive

Paranoid

Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired

Conventional appearance

Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)

Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life

Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)

Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim

Incapable of real human attachment to another

Unable to feel remorse or guilt

Extreme narcissism and grandiose

May state readily that their goal is to rule the world



(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)





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NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths.





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DSM-IV Definition



Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.



Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)



1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:

A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.

B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.

C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.

D. Repeated assaults on others.

E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.

F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.

G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.



2. At least eighteen years in age.



3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.



4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder.





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Antisocial Personality Disorder Overview (Written by Derek Wood, RN, BSN, PhD Candidate)



Antisocial Personality Disorder results in what is commonly known as a Sociopath. The criteria for this disorder require an ongoing disregard for the rights of others, since the age of 15 years. Some examples of this disregard are reckless disregard for the safety of themselves or others, failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, deceitfulness such as repeated lying or deceit for personal profit or pleasure, and lack of remorse for actions that hurt other people in any way. Additionally, they must have evidenced a Conduct Disorder before the age of 15 years, and must be at least 18 years old to receive this diagnosis.



People with this disorder appear to be charming at times, and make relationships, but to them, these are relationships in name only. They are ended whenever necessary or when it suits them, and the relationships are without depth or meaning, including marriages. They seem to have an innate ability to find the weakness in people, and are ready to use these weaknesses to their own ends through deceit, manipulation, or intimidation, and gain pleasure from doing so.



They appear to be incapable of any true emotions, from love to shame to guilt. They are quick to anger, but just as quick to let it go, without holding grudges. No matter what emotion they state they have, it has no bearing on their future actions or attitudes.



They rarely are able to have jobs that last for any length of time, as they become easily bored, instead needing constant change. They live for the moment, forgetting the past, and not planning the future, not thinking ahead what consequences their actions will have. They want immediate rewards and gratification. There currently is no form of psychotherapy that works with those with antisocial personality disorder, as those with this disorder have no desire to change themselves, which is a prerequisite. No medication is available either. The only treatment is the prevention of the disorder in the early stages, when a child first begins to show the symptoms of conduct disorder.





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THE PSYCHOPATH NEXT DOOR (Source: http://chericola57.tripod.com/infinite.html)



Psychopath. We hear the word and images of Bernardo, Manson and Dahmer pop into our heads; no doubt Ted Bundy too. But they're the bottom of the barrel -- most of the two million psychopaths in North America aren't murderers. They're our friends, lovers and co-workers. They're outgoing and persuasive, dazzling you with charm and flattery. Often you aren't even aware they've taken you for a ride -- until it's too late.



Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. "They play a part so they can get what they want," says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains her co-workers' trust has more access to their chequebooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims -- at work, through friendships or relationships -- and not one of us can say, "a psychopath could never fool me."



Think you can spot one? Think again. In general, psychopaths aren't the product of broken homes or the casualties of a materialistic society. Rather they come from all walks of life and there is little evidence that their upbringing affects them. Elements of a psychopath's personality first become evident at a very early age, due to biological or genetic factors. Explains Michael Seto, a psychologist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental health in Toronto, by the time that a person hits their late teens, the disorder is almost certainly permanent. Although many clinicians use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably, writes psychopath expert Robert Hare on his book 'Without Conscience', a sociopath's criminal behavior is shaped by social forces and is the result of a dysfunctional environment.



Psychopaths have only a shallow range of emotions and lack guilt, says Hare. They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others. "Psychopaths play on the fact that most of us are trusting and forgiving people," adds Seto. The warning signs are always there; it's just difficult to see them because once we trust someone, the friendship becomes a blinder.



Even lovers get taken for a ride by psychopaths. For a psychopath, a romantic relationship is just another opportunity to find a trusting partner who will buy into the lies. It's primarily why a psychopath rarely stays in a relationship for the long term, and often is involved with three or four partners at once, says Willson. To a psychopath, everything about a relationship is a game. Willson refers to the movie 'Sliding Doors' to illustrate her point. In the film, the main character comes home early after just having been fired from her job. Only moments ago, her boyfriend has let another woman out the front door. But in a matter of minutes he is the attentive and concerned boyfriend, taking her out to dinner and devoting the entire night to comforting her. All the while he's planning to leave the next day on a trip with the other woman.



The boyfriend displays typical psychopathic characteristics because he falsely displays deep emotion toward the relationship, says Willson. In reality, he's less concerned with his girlfriend's depression than with making sure she's clueless about the other woman's existence. In the romance department, psychopaths have an ability to gain your affection quickly, disarming you with words, intriguing you with grandiose plans. If they cheat you'll forgive them, and one day when they've gone too far, they'll leave you with a broken heart (and an empty wallet). By then they'll have a new player for their game.



The problem with their game is that we don't often play by their rules. Where we might occasionally tell a white lie, a psychopath's lying is compulsive. Most of us experience some degree of guilt about lying, preventing us from exhibiting such behavior on a regular basis. "Psychopaths don't discriminate who it is they lie to or cheat," says Seto. "There's no distinction between friend, family and sucker."



No one wants to be the sucker, so how do we prevent ourselves from becoming close friends or getting into a relationship with a psychopath? It's really almost impossible, say Seto and Willson. Unfortunately, laments Seto, one way is to become more suspicious and less trusting of others. Our tendency is to forgive when we catch a loved one in a lie. "Psychopaths play on this fact," he says. "However, I'm certainly not advocating a world where if someone lies once or twice, you never speak to them again." What you can do is look at how often someone lies and how they react when caught. Psychopaths will lie over and over again, and where other people would sincerely apologize, a psychopath may apologize but won't stop.



Psychopaths also tend to switch jobs as frequently as they switch partners, mainly because they don't have the qualities to maintain a job for the long haul. Their performance is generally erratic, with chronic absences, misuse of company resources and failed commitments. Often they aren't even qualified for the job and use fake credentials to get it. Seto talks of a patient who would get marketing jobs based on his image; he was a presentable and charming man who layered his conversations with educational and occupational references. But it became evident that the man hadn't a clue what he was talking about, and was unable to hold down a job.



How do you make sure you don't get fooled when you're hiring someone to baby-sit your child or for any other job? Hire based on reputation and not image, says Willson. Check references thoroughly. Psychopaths tend to give vague and inconsistent replies. Of course the best way to solve this problem would be to cure psychopaths of their 'illness.' But there's no recipe for treating them, say psychiatrists. Today's traditional methods of psychotherapy (psychoanalysis, group and one-on-one therapy) and drug treatments have failed. Therapy is more likely to work when an individual admits there's a problem and wants to change. The common problem with psychopaths, says Sets, "Is they don't see a problem with their behavior."



Psychopaths don't seek therapy willingly, says Seto. Rather, they're pushed into it by a desperate relative or by a court order. To a psychopath, a therapist is just one more person who must be conned, and the psychopath plays the part right until the therapist is convinced of his or her 'rehabilitation.'



Even though we can't treat psychopaths effectively with therapy, it doesn't mean we can't protect ourselves, writes Hare. Willson agrees, citing the most important factor in keeping psychopaths at bay is to know your vulnerabilities. We need to "realize our own potential and maximize our strengths" so that our insecurities don't overcome us. Because, she says, a psychopath is a chameleon who becomes "an image of what you haven't done for yourself." Over time, she says, "their appearance of perfection will begin to crack," but by that time you will have been emotionally and perhaps financially scathed. There comes a time when you realize there's no point in searching for answers; the only thing is to move on.



Taken in part from MW -- By Caroline Konrad -- September 1999



THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY:



These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.



First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.



(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.



(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.



(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault.



(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.



(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.



If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately!



(1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened.



Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available.



(2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands.



Obviously, if you are assaulted or threatened before witnesses, you can get a restraining order, but those are palliative at best.



(3) Local law enforcement agencies are usually under pressure if wealthy or politically powerful individuals are involved, so include state and federal agencies as well and tell the locals that you have. In my own experience, one agency that can help in a pinch is the Criminal Investigation Division of the Internal Revenue Service or (in Canada) Victims Services at your local police unit. It is not easy to think of the IRS as a potential friend, but a Swedish study showed that malignant types (the Swedes called them bullies) usually commit some felony or other by the age of twenty. If the family is wealthy, the fact may never come to light, but many felonies involve tax evasion, and in such cases, the IRS is interested indeed. If large amounts of money are involved, the IRS may solve all your problems for you. For obvious reasons the Drug Enforcement Agency may also be an appropriate agency to approach. The FBI is an important agency to contact, because although the FBI does not have jurisdiction over murder or assault, if informed, they do have an active interest in any other law enforcement agencies that do not follow through with an honest investigation and prosecution should a murder occur. Civil rights are involved at that point. No local crooked lawyer, judge, or corrupt police official wants to be within a country mile if that comes to light! It is in such cases that wealthy psychopaths discover just how firm the "friends" they count on to cover up for them really are! Even some of the drug cartel biggies will scuttle for cover if someone picks up the brick their thugs hide under. Exposure is bad for business.



(4) Make sure that several of your friends have the information in the event something happens to you. That way, an appropriate investigation will follow if you are harmed. Don't tell other people who has the information, because then something bad could happen to them as well. Instruct friends to take such an incident to the newspapers and other media.



If you are dealing with someone who has considerable money, you must realize that they probably won't try to harm you themselves, they will contract with someone to make the hit. The malignant type is a coward and will not expose himself or herself to personal danger if he or she can avoid it.

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Update: A thorough article. You may also find more at http://sociopathworld.com/.

I, the creator of this site, am not a psychologist and no special expertise in the subject. I created the site as a public service, because no similar site existed in 2003. I occasionally get sad calls and emails. I urge you to consult either a clinical psychologist or the police depending on the problem you face, and wish you good luck.

Hanging around

So...
We are to have a 'hung parliament'.

I am so so disappointed that the Australian people did not make a clear choice..no that is not true..I am shocked and disgusted that the Australian people even CONSIDERED that toe-rag of an opposition , leader and all, to take control of our politcal processes.
After the 11 and 1/2 years of the war mongering GWB arse licking little turd HoWARd, this "new' leader is in fact one of his old lackies. He is a 'good Catholic' does not like women to have control over their bodies, to be able to make their own choices, to be able to access all the medical help available.
He is anti gay a bigot and villifies asylum seekers...yes back to that old furphy...
(SCREAMS: STOP THE BOATS!!! STOP THE BOATS!!)
It would take over 20 years for their to be enough 'boat people' to fill the Melbourne Cricket  Ground..Now the 'overstayers ' ( well they are usually British and White) well that would only take two years!!

So this ex boxer, ex wannabe priest, ex head kicker, ex lawyer, ex proper person, wants to take the reigns of power and somehow suck up to our four independents to form govt.

God how I will hate that.

I feel vindicated.
I said...I did not like the way that the Labor Party got rid of Kevin...I thought it was dirty, wrong, bad timing and downright immoral.
So the result of the election kinda shows that I was right, although the pundits say it 'would have been worse'...HOW FOR CHRISSAKES.
We have only had one fed hung parlt in 106 years..and that was during the war...WW11.

So here we sit in limbo...a country in limbo..things put on hold...grants, pledges, rules, regulations, new laws, payments, jobs, careers, governance, the workings of the wheels of Government...all on HOLD.

How on earth do you describe this to the rest of the world...the most stable of governments, the country who ducked the great Global Crises!! The country of the 'fair go' and the larrikan who does not believe in division on class, the country who comes to the aid of our richer, more powerful Allies...USA and Britain...who have now lost 8 of our sons to the Afghan war...because of a stupid Presidents need to have a war of his own.

I can't explain..

I do hope however that maybe this may be the beginning of a new beginning beginning to begin.

Well I can dream can't I?

My Question

The question is.....

After thirty seven years do I keep trying with a toxic soul-destroying mother in law?
No matter what I do or what I have done she still calls me 'that bitch'.

How can I remain true to myself, hold myself in high esteem and continue to feel ok with the hatred and vitriol in my ears.

During those years I have been bribed to not marry her son.
I have been encouraged to leave him on numerous occasions.
I have borne the brunt of anythng that has happened and gone 'wrong' in our life it is directly due to me.
It has been noted that because of me her son is poor.
I have been blamed for all that is wrong with her, her world and her sons health.

I have been a poor daughter in  law, a bad wife, a cruel mother and a bitch.

I need to know how to deal with the next phone call ...I do not want to be rude, coz this is my husbands mother, but I no longer want to deal with her on any level.

I have been thoughtful, kind, generous, helpful, sharing my children, my husband, my knowledge, my compassion and my life.

For all that I am 'evil'.

Surely there must be a way to disconnect?
I have tried before, to do it within myself without withdrawing physically. Now I think it is time to withdraw physically.

Enough, surely?

THIRTY SEVEN YEARS..is that not enough to have tried?

Years On.....

"SERVE WITH INTEGRITY, CARE ABOUT THOSE YOU SERVE, SHARE THE LOVE IN YOUR HEART AND SOUL".

So saith a nice man I met via blogging many years ago. He has it on all his posts and emails. I used to recoil from it then it became apart of who he was and meant to me.

This is for him.
Well he is the only one who reads my blogs now. So few and far between are they after the trauma of betrayal.

I want you to know . I like him. He is kind, thoughtful, a great dad and an amazing husband.

We in Australia do not take easily or readily to 'counselling', to 'therapy' to that American 'habit' of going to seek mental help.
We are suspicious, we are 'better than that' and we will 'do it hard' and show the world that we are 'larrikins' who know how to 'take it on the chin'.

So here I am.
I didn't know what was wrong, just that for years I have been feeling 'bad, inadequate and altogether gulity, shut down and fragile'.

The new Australian govt of 3 years ago set in place a 'right' to have 12 counselling sessions to try to stem the tide of depression and suicide that is rife and growing in our country.
So I took it to heart and asked my GP for referral.

Six sessions later I have learnt a lot.

One of the things I have learnt of the many is that, I have an integrity and sense of right, an honesty and a moral compass that sets me up as 'different' as 'special' as 'sensitive' to that what occurs around me, to me and to those I love. Not only that but to all humanity and to all animals. I am 'weird'. I am someone who is in the upper 'apex' of morality and social awareness.
To 'serve with integrity' is part of my make up. I can't help but to do so.

To 'care about those I serve' has caused me great damage. It stems back ( we found) to when I was around 2 1/2 years of age. Over the years I have been hurt, damaged and seered by the general ways of the average 'Joe'.
I am at once sensitive and intense. This combination is deadly to the soul. It makes for constant and deep scarring, forever and ever...(amen).
It is the way I am.

I am learning this.

From when I was tiny I have 'shared the love in my heart and soul' and for my pains I have reached a point of such pain that I can bearly function.
It is so.
My counsellor/therapist is helping me to realise this. Not to necessarily understand, but just to know this is who I am.

My mother in law has done great damage. She is toxic to my person. To my soul. Because I have shared and given and given and given for over 37 years I am now bent with the burden of the black hole of her sucking my soul and heart into her and spitting it back over me in a vomit of hatred and vileness.

I have been hurt, like most people...but with me because of the kind of person I am, I have given till it depleted who I was and the kind of people I gave to were not NOT the kind who filled me back up.
It was a rare thing that unlike love that 'the more you give the more you are filled' the integrity and sharing I gave was used against me, to hurt me and to hurt mine.

I take everything to heart.
Everything.

I feel for everyone...except I can't know how to 'feel' for the privileged.
I only know how to feel for those who hurt.

I do NOT get off on feeling good about people who are worse off than me.
I feel worse.

So...
for all my 'serving with integrity' ...I could do nothing else, as that is who I am, naturally.

To share is as natural to me as breathing, but you know,there are some humans in this world who do not understand what I am sharing. They do not respect nor care nor take as a fragile gift the thing I am sharing, ME.

I, know, I know....you are talking to the bottom part of the pyramid that make up the human intent...but ...dear man of America, you have to know your message cut through to someone who did not need it.

I love my blog friends....bird and Namaste and the man from Lansing, Dark Times and Pete and all....
You were there when I needed you...
But I didn't know myself.

So now after 50+ years I am learning who I am.

I am fragile. I am tired and I am depleted.
I am still here and for my man and our dog I shall continue.

However I must learn now, to not share too much my heart and soul and only show my integrity to those who can care for it.

I will not change, of course, but I will do better by keeping my own counsel and keeping my soul closer than before.

Thank you, dear Yankee man.

Pollyxxxakafrogakaalison.

Andrew Strong live - Try a Little Tenderness

I just wanted to share to this. It means a lot to me.

In my life, no matter what happened , my man always tried a little tenderness.

It kept us sane, together and loving.

Just wanted to say....

Tis wonderful.