There was a time when the soft fall of rain meant I could mess about in my bedroom and my mum would cook pies and biscuits in the kitchen awaiting the arrival back of my dad.
There was a time when the crickets would call as soon as the sun fell behind the horizon and the sweet smell of Rhondalesia would fill the air and mix with the gentle scent of Frangipanni and I would dream of my future.
There was a time when the salt in the air would make me wet my lips and head for the two mile walk to the South Pacific. The cement underfoot would singe my thongs and I would hurry down to the waters edge over hot squeaky sand.
There was a time when I would sit, looking out into the night, hearing the frogs calling one to one, and see the Southern Cross rise over my window pane and dream of the man who would love me.
There was a time when the crunch of frost resounded as I wheeled my third hand bike toward the gate, with my school case up ended on the handlebars basket, my shoes were already wet and cold from the frozen grass.
There was a time when the smell and whinney of horses set my blood rushing and made me dream of a life elsewhere. The stamp of the hoof, the toss of the mane and the belief that animals knew more than I ever could.
There was a time when all I could think of was sweet sweet mellow blue jazz and the idea of a man beside me to take away the troubles of the world, to take care of me and to show me the life 'out there' in the great foreign yonder.
There was a time when I could only think of love and joy and smells and ideas. Of music and love and sweet words. Of love and being held and murmured to on seas of adventure.
There was a time when all that was held inside me felt like it was going to burst open and I would fall forever forward into the future of experience and love and joy and wonder.
There was a time.
And now.
That is another country...this is another country...one full of dashed dreams, broken hopes and dispersed ideals....
But it is one that finds me hunkering down in the wet afternoon with...love.
My god - ess
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Friday, 6 April 2012
ME AGAIN
I have been busy with Ancestry research, and life; caring for my man and pulling myself upward out of depression and self loathing. It has been a hard job, this counselling. Now after joining the social media via Facebook, I am done with it, as I was with blogging all those years ago. I get so tired of the 'good people' out there who want to 'teach ' me, to inform me, to explain and help me. They do more harm than good and when they are family then I am lost.
So here we are, my man, my dog and me. We are going to start a new facebook page just for political 'friends' and informants.
I will try to compose at least once a week to get back into the swing of observation ( dirty word), feelings, descriptions and life.
If any who come across this are distressed at my language, my passion my need to be open, if their sensibilites are too dellicate for my real self then fuck off.
Here endeth the first of many new posts, I hope , as the full moon rises over the South Pacific, shimmering on the soft sea and with the fan cooling a strange hot April evening, I bid you all Happy Oestrus, and may your god let you know it does not exist for your sake.
So here we are, my man, my dog and me. We are going to start a new facebook page just for political 'friends' and informants.
I will try to compose at least once a week to get back into the swing of observation ( dirty word), feelings, descriptions and life.
If any who come across this are distressed at my language, my passion my need to be open, if their sensibilites are too dellicate for my real self then fuck off.
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Long Time No Write
I have forgotten.
I have forgotten how to write privately without any concern for those who might read.
I must get back into it.
I have been going to counselling...(such an American thing to do I know, but we in Australia are finally catching up to those things that really matter and it has nothing to do with Psychiatry....it has to do with Mental health).
So here I sit...late at night on a different medium from my usual old clunky and ancient computer, set in the bowels of my home, away from my loved ones and away from the warmth of my lover and our pup.
I sit being with my man, who is watching a foreign movie, I think from Spain this time. He loves 'other' cultures and we in our poorness have tried to embark on infecting this on our children. It seems to have worked thus far.
Our son is still in South Korea.
Our eldest daughter who turns 32 tomorrow, is ensconced in her beloved theatre in Sydney.
Our youngest has just married for the second time to (this time) the man of her dreams. She has just returned from a 'honeymoon' to die for.
Well we would have.
When we went on our 'honey moon' we went with a few dollars in our pockets and a pocket full of sand in a mini minor to the small settlement (it is not even a hamlet) west of here. He was scalded by a sick radiator of the little mouse car and we spent our three day 'honeymoon' having sex careful of his burnt side.
Our baby went on a months tour of Europe.
She sent back photos and updates and even rang me from Paris.
She said; "Europeans are filthy animals. They cough, spit, and wipe snot and leave toilets unflushed. They have no 'rules' ( "Rules" I queried?) about roads and etiquette and dog shit. Parisians and Romans leave dog shit everywhere. They, she said complain about Asians...I have travelled around SE Asia ( Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos) and I expect the poverty to be dirty...but Europeans think they are superior...THEY AREN'T "..she said.
She saw London and Bath, Bristol and Oxford, Dublin, Cork ( where her paternal ancestry began) and Paris, Rome and Dubai.
She has been the eyes of our dreams.
She said;
"Mum. Dad would be disgusted. You know more than anyone else and you don't need to have travelled. I am grateful for all you have taught me...how to eat in 'foreign ' restaurants..how the tables are set and the wine glasses are used. I didn't know that some people, no matter the private schooling they were given, were not taught these basics".
She told us how we did good.
My baby travelled and saw and cried and took photos...she did it for her and her new husband and her parents...her poor and travel poor parents.
She reassured us we were fine...we 'knew' without having had travelled.
BUT:
I wish
I wish for him
I wish for me
Those beautiful sights and sounds and being theres.
I wanted for me to learn and experience and be.
I wanted for him to be reassured, uplifted, soared on the wings of 'I knew it, I knew it'...Nothing but sadness and melancholy remains for us..;.
But for her
And for all our babies....
They are doing it for us..music, education, travel and living.
One thing that is left for all of them...
The getting and giving of babies......
Now there is a thing.......
I have forgotten how to write privately without any concern for those who might read.
I must get back into it.
I have been going to counselling...(such an American thing to do I know, but we in Australia are finally catching up to those things that really matter and it has nothing to do with Psychiatry....it has to do with Mental health).
So here I sit...late at night on a different medium from my usual old clunky and ancient computer, set in the bowels of my home, away from my loved ones and away from the warmth of my lover and our pup.
I sit being with my man, who is watching a foreign movie, I think from Spain this time. He loves 'other' cultures and we in our poorness have tried to embark on infecting this on our children. It seems to have worked thus far.
Our son is still in South Korea.
Our eldest daughter who turns 32 tomorrow, is ensconced in her beloved theatre in Sydney.
Our youngest has just married for the second time to (this time) the man of her dreams. She has just returned from a 'honeymoon' to die for.
Well we would have.
When we went on our 'honey moon' we went with a few dollars in our pockets and a pocket full of sand in a mini minor to the small settlement (it is not even a hamlet) west of here. He was scalded by a sick radiator of the little mouse car and we spent our three day 'honeymoon' having sex careful of his burnt side.
Our baby went on a months tour of Europe.
She sent back photos and updates and even rang me from Paris.
She said; "Europeans are filthy animals. They cough, spit, and wipe snot and leave toilets unflushed. They have no 'rules' ( "Rules" I queried?) about roads and etiquette and dog shit. Parisians and Romans leave dog shit everywhere. They, she said complain about Asians...I have travelled around SE Asia ( Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos) and I expect the poverty to be dirty...but Europeans think they are superior...THEY AREN'T "..she said.
She saw London and Bath, Bristol and Oxford, Dublin, Cork ( where her paternal ancestry began) and Paris, Rome and Dubai.
She has been the eyes of our dreams.
She said;
"Mum. Dad would be disgusted. You know more than anyone else and you don't need to have travelled. I am grateful for all you have taught me...how to eat in 'foreign ' restaurants..how the tables are set and the wine glasses are used. I didn't know that some people, no matter the private schooling they were given, were not taught these basics".
She told us how we did good.
My baby travelled and saw and cried and took photos...she did it for her and her new husband and her parents...her poor and travel poor parents.
(J and A...Guess where?)
BUT:
I wish
I wish for him
I wish for me
Those beautiful sights and sounds and being theres.
I wanted for me to learn and experience and be.
I wanted for him to be reassured, uplifted, soared on the wings of 'I knew it, I knew it'...Nothing but sadness and melancholy remains for us..;.
But for her
And for all our babies....
They are doing it for us..music, education, travel and living.
One thing that is left for all of them...
The getting and giving of babies......
Now there is a thing.......
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Lest We Forget
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casualties_of_the_Iraq_War
Enough!
Enough!
Tis the end....I rest my case.
Enough!
Enough!
Tis the end....I rest my case.
Saturday, 7 May 2011
HURT
It has been many a month since I posted on blogger. I have been busy with hubby's health, new pup training, counselling, and keeping nose above water, or the wolf from the door, or living on the smell of an oily rag.
Have been ensconced in my ancestry research and have 'met' some nice people and actually some who are in the flesh, cousins, I never knew existed.
Our daughter is getting married ( again..this time NOT to a religious nutta) in August and is coming 'home' to do so on our lovely headland. THIS time she has a lovely man, who adores her, who is intelligent and we know will look after her.
She has travelled to South Korea to visit her brother along with her new fiance and has reported back that all is well and no longer do I need to 'worry' about the son.
Our PM has upset me, leaving me without a rudder or even a compass which to steer my trust and belief in the basics of her party's tenets.
I have been keeping an eye on Yankee-land, watching the new President wend his way around the flunkies and the stupidity of the GOP, and the blocking of caring and inclusive ideas that would help the least of those in that mighty land.
I have seen the cynics who expected him to be an almost christ like leader, feel childish spoilt disappointment that 'santa isn't real'...but in fact THIS President is the most real in many a decade America has ever had.
Then came...bin Laden.
I was shocked, not by the USA finally shooting the shit out of him, I expected that, but by the outlandish, embarrassing and shameful way the citizenry behaved..dancing on the body of another human.
Then came the biggest shock of all.
I was hurt.
I was accused of 'not understanding' of 'it not being your country' of being way off centre in my shock and awe at the reaction of a people who I had grown once again to admire.
It hurt.
It hurt to be told that it wasn't within my MY graps to 'get' how important this was to USA.
What a fucking thing to say.
Looking back to the history since September Eleventh you can study and examine the manipulation, the lies, the stupidity of the then "President" and with all the information out there..as to why it happened, as to who were these people and what was their gripe et al, the thing that stood out was....A small section of the worlds population who felt 'hard done by' by the yankees.
The fact that bin Laden and his family were friends of the highest echelon of US politics and corporation leaders, that they were a rich, powerful family with connections and had an insiders understanding of US politics and power mongering...never occurred to those who were told that the family were flown out by private aircraft in the wake of the horrific event in New York and Washington.
That at the time only 3000 members existed of this pathetic, backward and misguided group professing responsibility.
And the ships sailed.
Instead of leadership in a time of trouble, instead of calmness and reassurance in a time of horror, what did the people get instead? A mad war mongering idiot who had 'other' reasons to let loose the dogs of war....and my oh my I am saying now...IT HURT US/ME.
My little land DU, was whipped up by a thoughtless, career mongering, selfish, narcissitic, politician who was 'good mates' with the idiot from Yankeeland.
Our whole calm, sweet, free, honest, larconic and larrikin way of life changed FOREVER!
My neighbours said they were frightened we were going to be bombed...no not the land DU...'we' meaning MY NEIGHBOURHOOD..this little insignificant unknown village in NSW. How fucked up was that!!!!
Then people started 'hating'. They hated our local Seik community whose women wore saris and covered their hair loosely with beautiful silk swathes of material.
They started hating those who 'were NOT of the Judeo/Christian' faith.'
They started being suspicious of anyone who looked like 'middle eastern' people and took them all ALL to be card carrying practising followers of Islam.
How fucked up was that.
Then we were told to be 'alert not alarmed'. Guess what? The whole fucking country became ALARMED!
Then we were told; We are taking away your freedoms, your rights to protect you!
How fucked up is that?
Then we were told we would have to be searched going through airports for the first time in our history!!!
My man was stipped of his belt, shoes and dignity because he sets off the alarms because he has had hip replacements.
How fucked up is that!
What happened in USA..no not Ireland, South Africa, Rwanda, Bosnia, Russia, Chetchnya, Argentina, Central America, Fiji, Samoa, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Crete, Israel, Palestine and all the other areas in the world where the most HORRIFIC acts of TERROR have occurred in the past hundred years...changed Australian law and lives FOREVER!
So you HURT me when you said 'it was not my country who was damaged or attacked'. You hurt me to the quick..also because I am a kind, caring , loving, highly sensitive person to anyone who is in pain, who has felt any kind of hurt, fear or horror in their lives.
You HURT me, you who have 'known' me through these pages and through the vilification I have personally experienced when all I wanted was America to be mindful of why 'IT' happened in the first place to to LEARN FROM HISTORY..coz you are now going to fucking repeat it...and we along with you....
You hurt me and I will forgive you. I would like a 'sorry' but won't get it yet.
I will wait and try to heal.
Have been ensconced in my ancestry research and have 'met' some nice people and actually some who are in the flesh, cousins, I never knew existed.
Our daughter is getting married ( again..this time NOT to a religious nutta) in August and is coming 'home' to do so on our lovely headland. THIS time she has a lovely man, who adores her, who is intelligent and we know will look after her.
She has travelled to South Korea to visit her brother along with her new fiance and has reported back that all is well and no longer do I need to 'worry' about the son.
Our PM has upset me, leaving me without a rudder or even a compass which to steer my trust and belief in the basics of her party's tenets.
I have been keeping an eye on Yankee-land, watching the new President wend his way around the flunkies and the stupidity of the GOP, and the blocking of caring and inclusive ideas that would help the least of those in that mighty land.
I have seen the cynics who expected him to be an almost christ like leader, feel childish spoilt disappointment that 'santa isn't real'...but in fact THIS President is the most real in many a decade America has ever had.
Then came...bin Laden.
I was shocked, not by the USA finally shooting the shit out of him, I expected that, but by the outlandish, embarrassing and shameful way the citizenry behaved..dancing on the body of another human.
Then came the biggest shock of all.
I was hurt.
I was accused of 'not understanding' of 'it not being your country' of being way off centre in my shock and awe at the reaction of a people who I had grown once again to admire.
It hurt.
It hurt to be told that it wasn't within my MY graps to 'get' how important this was to USA.
What a fucking thing to say.
Looking back to the history since September Eleventh you can study and examine the manipulation, the lies, the stupidity of the then "President" and with all the information out there..as to why it happened, as to who were these people and what was their gripe et al, the thing that stood out was....A small section of the worlds population who felt 'hard done by' by the yankees.
The fact that bin Laden and his family were friends of the highest echelon of US politics and corporation leaders, that they were a rich, powerful family with connections and had an insiders understanding of US politics and power mongering...never occurred to those who were told that the family were flown out by private aircraft in the wake of the horrific event in New York and Washington.
That at the time only 3000 members existed of this pathetic, backward and misguided group professing responsibility.
And the ships sailed.
Instead of leadership in a time of trouble, instead of calmness and reassurance in a time of horror, what did the people get instead? A mad war mongering idiot who had 'other' reasons to let loose the dogs of war....and my oh my I am saying now...IT HURT US/ME.
My little land DU, was whipped up by a thoughtless, career mongering, selfish, narcissitic, politician who was 'good mates' with the idiot from Yankeeland.
Our whole calm, sweet, free, honest, larconic and larrikin way of life changed FOREVER!
My neighbours said they were frightened we were going to be bombed...no not the land DU...'we' meaning MY NEIGHBOURHOOD..this little insignificant unknown village in NSW. How fucked up was that!!!!
Then people started 'hating'. They hated our local Seik community whose women wore saris and covered their hair loosely with beautiful silk swathes of material.
They started hating those who 'were NOT of the Judeo/Christian' faith.'
They started being suspicious of anyone who looked like 'middle eastern' people and took them all ALL to be card carrying practising followers of Islam.
How fucked up was that.
Then we were told to be 'alert not alarmed'. Guess what? The whole fucking country became ALARMED!
Then we were told; We are taking away your freedoms, your rights to protect you!
How fucked up is that?
Then we were told we would have to be searched going through airports for the first time in our history!!!
My man was stipped of his belt, shoes and dignity because he sets off the alarms because he has had hip replacements.
How fucked up is that!
What happened in USA..no not Ireland, South Africa, Rwanda, Bosnia, Russia, Chetchnya, Argentina, Central America, Fiji, Samoa, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Crete, Israel, Palestine and all the other areas in the world where the most HORRIFIC acts of TERROR have occurred in the past hundred years...changed Australian law and lives FOREVER!
So you HURT me when you said 'it was not my country who was damaged or attacked'. You hurt me to the quick..also because I am a kind, caring , loving, highly sensitive person to anyone who is in pain, who has felt any kind of hurt, fear or horror in their lives.
You HURT me, you who have 'known' me through these pages and through the vilification I have personally experienced when all I wanted was America to be mindful of why 'IT' happened in the first place to to LEARN FROM HISTORY..coz you are now going to fucking repeat it...and we along with you....
You hurt me and I will forgive you. I would like a 'sorry' but won't get it yet.
I will wait and try to heal.
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Saturday, 8 January 2011
I Miss Him
This is why I believed in Kevin as my PM.
Even though he was a Christian, even though he was a workaholic and expected his fellow government workers to equal him, even though he was a 'right winger, left side of politics' and even though he spoke words that some could not understand or comprehend, he had a vision.
I miss his drive and vision for Australia and the world.
Even though he was a Christian, even though he was a workaholic and expected his fellow government workers to equal him, even though he was a 'right winger, left side of politics' and even though he spoke words that some could not understand or comprehend, he had a vision.
I miss his drive and vision for Australia and the world.
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