S'Been

From the near death of my husband, to the rising from the anger and fear, to the visit from far away of our very pregnant daughter through to all the counselling sessions I have felt the first part of this year race by without a blink.

Life is still full of words for me. Words in my head, moving around as do I, through space and time and experiences. Words make up long rambling sentences and reform as I refine the idea the feeling the thought and as soon as I am able I forget to sit and write.

I am at once frustrated and hankering to sit down and just be and to just write as I once did.

But time and health concerns, my duty as carer and organiser for the seemingly simple life we lead takes me over to another place and there becomes a slip of possibilities that fade and glide into the bright Australian sun. I squint but cannot any longer grasp into my being those winding sentences that are born of my growing understanding of who I am.

Whether it is on the shores of the great South Pacific or tramping the tarred road of my village, whether it be sitting in the local pubic hospital's foyer waiting ( twice a week) for him to be done with hydrotherapy. Each time I am on my own I can feel the rising need to form into language my observations that started me on this trek all those years ago.

I do miss the Frog but she is no longer who she was.
She has moved through, on and has somehow transcended her past persona. Now Polly struggles to get her head out from under to express her new found reasonings, her new exposed wing span and her newly emerging sense of self.

And so this is just another preamble for that which was my intent.

I wanted to talk about;
life and death and the whole damned painful thing where others see you and think you should 'pull yourself together' just when you are feeling the thread of your own sanity unwinding around the man you love as he lies there.
children and the pain they bring, the whole joy and gorgeousness that turns into anxiety and hungering for their safety and security.
parents and how you are somewhere when suddenly you can smell your mothers neck or feel you dad's look of love and you crumbled feeling life is too hard and 'can we please start again'?
dogs and how humans are really too too stupid to respect and wish them well. People are so buys anthromaphorsising them that they forget we are called to take care of the dumb animals. We need to remember we have a duty of care to give them their full dogginess and stop making them into little humans...they are NOT and by the way, they do not LOVE you!
upcoming grandparenthood. The fear of my little one as she prepares now for the inevitable. Through her I now see (yet again) how amazing women are. They know the pain is to come and yet they swallow hard and move toward the time. Men have NO idea. Not even in war do you know for sure that pain will be your birth by fire...it can and sometimes will, but with childbirth women KNOW it is a test of who they are as women....Women are truly amazing and so so self contained. Already I am learning (yet again) through my child.
politics. How disappointed, sad, frustrated and dispairing it is to have a atheist female Prime Minister who does not 'put to bed' marriage equality. How long was the fight to rid the world of 'slavery'? Well it is still going...Let's not make the same mistake with this human right.
          The horror of knowing that the Opposition Leader is a card carrying Catholic who has such a narrow view of life and experience that he cannot see past his own penis. I feel this is being reflected in USA especially the new fight (AGAIN) for the rights of Women. Michigan silencing a woman for saying the word VAGINA in its legislature. How frightened these men must be of women and their bodies, of science ( it is the correct term for the birth passage...but usually Americans mean the Vulva when saying 'Vagina"), of reasoning ( God fucking this and God fucking that) and the sense of what is fair and right and equal.

Of course politics and religion can take up a huge part of my writing for the injustices are usually start, encouraged and perpetuated in those two sectors of our democracy.
Democracy. HUH. I have a lot to say about that too......I am mourning its passing in my Nation as the rich mining magnates take their piece, not just of Aboriginal land, but of the Mainstream Media's influence over the great unwashed.

And in the end it is about me and mine. My man, my life, my dog and me.

I shall try to unravel the sentences in my head and begin again.