Years On.....

"SERVE WITH INTEGRITY, CARE ABOUT THOSE YOU SERVE, SHARE THE LOVE IN YOUR HEART AND SOUL".

So saith a nice man I met via blogging many years ago. He has it on all his posts and emails. I used to recoil from it then it became apart of who he was and meant to me.

This is for him.
Well he is the only one who reads my blogs now. So few and far between are they after the trauma of betrayal.

I want you to know . I like him. He is kind, thoughtful, a great dad and an amazing husband.

We in Australia do not take easily or readily to 'counselling', to 'therapy' to that American 'habit' of going to seek mental help.
We are suspicious, we are 'better than that' and we will 'do it hard' and show the world that we are 'larrikins' who know how to 'take it on the chin'.

So here I am.
I didn't know what was wrong, just that for years I have been feeling 'bad, inadequate and altogether gulity, shut down and fragile'.

The new Australian govt of 3 years ago set in place a 'right' to have 12 counselling sessions to try to stem the tide of depression and suicide that is rife and growing in our country.
So I took it to heart and asked my GP for referral.

Six sessions later I have learnt a lot.

One of the things I have learnt of the many is that, I have an integrity and sense of right, an honesty and a moral compass that sets me up as 'different' as 'special' as 'sensitive' to that what occurs around me, to me and to those I love. Not only that but to all humanity and to all animals. I am 'weird'. I am someone who is in the upper 'apex' of morality and social awareness.
To 'serve with integrity' is part of my make up. I can't help but to do so.

To 'care about those I serve' has caused me great damage. It stems back ( we found) to when I was around 2 1/2 years of age. Over the years I have been hurt, damaged and seered by the general ways of the average 'Joe'.
I am at once sensitive and intense. This combination is deadly to the soul. It makes for constant and deep scarring, forever and ever...(amen).
It is the way I am.

I am learning this.

From when I was tiny I have 'shared the love in my heart and soul' and for my pains I have reached a point of such pain that I can bearly function.
It is so.
My counsellor/therapist is helping me to realise this. Not to necessarily understand, but just to know this is who I am.

My mother in law has done great damage. She is toxic to my person. To my soul. Because I have shared and given and given and given for over 37 years I am now bent with the burden of the black hole of her sucking my soul and heart into her and spitting it back over me in a vomit of hatred and vileness.

I have been hurt, like most people...but with me because of the kind of person I am, I have given till it depleted who I was and the kind of people I gave to were not NOT the kind who filled me back up.
It was a rare thing that unlike love that 'the more you give the more you are filled' the integrity and sharing I gave was used against me, to hurt me and to hurt mine.

I take everything to heart.
Everything.

I feel for everyone...except I can't know how to 'feel' for the privileged.
I only know how to feel for those who hurt.

I do NOT get off on feeling good about people who are worse off than me.
I feel worse.

So...
for all my 'serving with integrity' ...I could do nothing else, as that is who I am, naturally.

To share is as natural to me as breathing, but you know,there are some humans in this world who do not understand what I am sharing. They do not respect nor care nor take as a fragile gift the thing I am sharing, ME.

I, know, I know....you are talking to the bottom part of the pyramid that make up the human intent...but ...dear man of America, you have to know your message cut through to someone who did not need it.

I love my blog friends....bird and Namaste and the man from Lansing, Dark Times and Pete and all....
You were there when I needed you...
But I didn't know myself.

So now after 50+ years I am learning who I am.

I am fragile. I am tired and I am depleted.
I am still here and for my man and our dog I shall continue.

However I must learn now, to not share too much my heart and soul and only show my integrity to those who can care for it.

I will not change, of course, but I will do better by keeping my own counsel and keeping my soul closer than before.

Thank you, dear Yankee man.

Pollyxxxakafrogakaalison.